Phew, it's been a rough but rewarding few months. I've had to learn several lessons the hard way. For the last few months I've been so focused on my own struggles that I've failed to see the successes and good that I've accomplished. It's been a self-loathing, miserable while of my own making. Totally over it. Bluntly, here's a list of lessons:

1.You cannot 'create' your worth. You've always had it. Your worth is infinite and in no way founded on the opinions of others or on the 'life milestones' that have been assigned by society based on your age. "Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth." You cannot find your worth through another person's eyes. Doing so will always leave you in question and will not provide the confidence you need to love and encourage yourself.

2.Do not be afraid to have love for yourself. This is, perhaps, the most important part of a healthy mental state. Love and respect for yourself is crucial for establishing a positive life. The only person that has to put up with you 100% of the time is you. You know yourself best, better than anyone else on the planet. Understand that being unkind to yourself does not make you a better person. If anything, it is counter-productive. Sometimes I find that I am my own biggest bully. It shouldn't be that way. Being gentle, kind, and do not be afraid to give yourself the love that you don't hesitate to extend to those around you. Remember that you are human too.

3. Don't be afraid of sincere apologies. If there is something that is nagging at you or causing you to doubt yourself, find a way to resolve it. In this weird, self-loathing phase I was in, I noticed that most of it was caused by excessive reflection on my own past mistakes. Forgive yourself first, then seek the forgiveness of others if possible. It's okay to reach out and apologize to others regardless of whether or not the apology is accepted. As stated in lesson #2, you have to live with yourself. Find and create the peace with yourself in knowing that you made the best effort you could. That all being said, do not be afraid to accept apologies and certainly don't be afraid of releasing the grudges that hold you back from improving relationships with others. You don't have to become best friends with someone to release of the negativity that holds you back. Sometimes to truly move on, you have to first acknowledge the problem.

4. You are what you allow yourself to think you are. Truly. If you ever doubted the power of positive thinking, stop and ask yourself what is holding you back? You may be surprised to find that it's not much more than self-doubt, excuses, fear, and misunderstanding. It's interesting to research and study how emotions such as fear or doubt can alter our actions and have a drastic impact on the outcome. If you allow yourself to continuously be fearful, you allow yourself to be a fearful person. If you allow yourself to doubt your ability continuously, you will live your life only accomplishing a small fraction of what you are truly capable of. I encourage you to to ask yourself regularly, is this who I am? Is this who I want to be? The direction of your thoughts create the direction of your life.

5. Take time to improve and remember that great changes usually don't happen overnight. You can't rush something that you intend to last forever. If you want a sturdy building, you have to invest your time in a solid foundation. If this is that turning point for you, invest your time in building happy and healthy habits. To establish long-lasting habits takes over a month. Work from where you are. There will be sad days and times where you struggle with yourself. Accept it, learn from it, and keep on working towards the goals that you have set for yourself. Remember, "Rome wasn't built in a day."

6. Lastly, "if you're looking for that one person that will change your life, take a look in the mirror." You are powerful, you are capable, and you are destined to do great, wonderful, beautiful things. You have the power to change the entire course of your life. Allow yourself to be the change. Nobody is holding you back but you. Believe in yourself wholeheartedly. You've got this.

We got married!

This last year has been an amazing and difficult one in many ways. I've come to learn many valuable lessons and grown from many struggles that I've had. I'm very fortunate to be able to say that I had a wonderful support system right there by me the whole way. I haven't really mentioned much on this blog about it since I've not been so active in blogging. 2016 was the year that I met, became engaged to, and married my best friend. Wesley and I met at BYU-Idaho in early February. We became engaged September 11, and were married on December 22. What a year! We were married in the Provo City Center Temple. It was a cold but beautiful day!

We had our reception in Stansbury Park. We were very blessed to have so much help by friends and family through it all. It's hard to even express the gratitude that I have for everyone who was there along the way lending their hand. Who knew planning a wedding would be so much work? I'm so thankful that I didn't have to do it alone. 

Since then Wesley and I have been attending school while Wes works. I've decided to continue my education in Elementary Education. I changed it last semester and am changing it back since I've come to realize just exactly what I want to do with my career. 

All-in-all, life has been wonderful. As I said sometime around this time last year, I am excited to see what the year has in store. I always am and always will be. I have a feeling that this year will be pretty great. 

It's somewhat crazy to think that I've already gotten through one semester of college and that I'm almost halfway done with my second semester. It feels like just yesterday that I was leaving Iowa but that was over half a year ago! Wow!
I was just reminiscing and looking back on previous posts and one of the posts just gave me serious giggle fits. It was an entire post dedicated to why I would not be going to Brigham Young University-Idaho. *insert facepalm here* Funny how Heavenly Father sometimes has a plan so much more different than your own and it works out. I initially planned on attending a nearby university in Missouri. Close to home, close to family, and no financial burden due to a series of scholarships and money saved by living with my dad. It would have been nice, I imagine. I love the area and the campus is gorgeous. However, something didn't feel right. No matter how hard I tried to make myself believe that Northwest Missouri State University was the right school to go to, I knew that it wasn't. There was something that it was missing, something that it lacked. I looked into other schools in Iowa of course, and even more outside. Finally realizing that I wasn't satisfied with any of my selection, I finally got down on my knees and asked the Lord where to send me. Oh, believe me, I was also praying that He would not say BYU-I. Everybody gets accepted there, it's not impressive, right? "Please don't say BYU-I.. please don't say BYU-I!" *warm fuzzy feeling* Dangit. BYU-I. Having had the spirit prompt me to apply, I did. Of course, I got in. Heck, I didn't want to go there. Continually I prayed "are you sure this is right?" I even tried convincing myself to the day I arrived that I just wouldn't show up. Spoiler alert: I did. Another spoiler alert: I'd loved every second of it.
I think one of my biggest fears coming here was that I wouldn't know where I was going. Totally honest here, I had no idea where I was for the first little while, but I don't necessarily mean navigating around campus. (Although shoutout to Google Maps for getting me through the first week of school in the physical sense. You the real MVP.) After a while I became acclimated and really began to enjoy my classes, but I still was not sure that I had picked the appropriate major until I decided that it was something I needed to council with the Lord about. After fasting and reading my Patriarchal blessing one evening I came to realize that I needed to start schooling for Elementary Education. Didn't make sense to me, still somewhat doesn't since I'm so awkward with kids at times. Still, I know that it's the right thing to pursue. Already I've gained some priceless knowledge that will be applicable when I start a family of my own.
I remember when I was preparing to come to this school I was always told that there was a 'Spirit of Ricks' that made this school like none other. Pleasantly I'd nod my head and smile. "Oh, wonderful," I'd think, "every campus has a spirit to it, these people are just being kind to make me feel better about going to BYU-Idaho." Oh, let me tell you friends. I was positively blown away as I felt that spirit on campus. Beginning every class with prayer, attending devotional, being surrounded by other people striving to be disciples of Christ, having teachers who genuinely care, family home evenings,  and all these wonderful things really contributed to the unique experience I've had here. I remember one distinct moment in one of my science classes where we were talking about religion and how clearly it ties in with science and I was blown away. Average class discussion for this school, but I was amazed because I realized that I was doing more than gaining skills for my career, I was learning to be a disciple of Christ. To me, that's what sets this wonderful school apart.
I know now that this is precisely where I am meant to be and that He has a divine plan for me, even if I am blind to it at times. From this whole experience, I've gained a testimony of prayer and its importance. Without it, I shutter to think of what would be of me or what would not be of me. I strongly feel that He has a divine plan for all of us and that by following His council, that we will be able to fulfill our purpose as a child of God. I know that His wisdom and knowledge is always so much greater than my own.

In the final words of poet Francois Rabelais, "I go to seek a Great Perhaps." Though I am by no means passing, I too go to seek a great perhaps. And despite what a great part of me would feel comfortable with, it starts with leaving my hometown. I think that The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock by T.S. Eliot captures what is, perhaps, my greatest fear in this life. To stay solitary, apprehensive, and reclusive as life passes me by. I find that in my journey to find myself that I tend to find my comfort-zone and fear change. However, I cannot and will not live a life like Prufrock to which I do nothing with myself because of my crippling fear rejection, taking life by the horns, and doing my own thing. I must find the thing in which I love and go for it without hesitation before I grow old. I'm only 18, yes, but I am ready to go seek my great perhaps in Idaho.

He is with me.

I really don't think that it is a coincidence that I have run into this* picture three times today. 

(photo credit to New Era magazine)

Some days can be so short and others seem to drag on and on. I'm constantly amused and amazed at how my days alter. I must confess that lately I've been having a lot of those endless days. You know, the ones where the highlight of the day will be going to sleep? Despite the struggles that I have been having, I have found peace. I know that Heavenly Father is there for me at all times. Even in the most difficult of moments I am not alone. I never will be by myself because I have a loving father in Heaven who has my back. Even when I don't deserve it He is there to guide and comfort me.

Senior Year!

Holy cow! I've never realized just how true the saying "Time flies when you're having fun" is until this year. In a matter of a few months so much has happened. As my last few months as a high schooler are drawing near, I'm realizing just how much I'm going to miss school activities. Since August, I've been able to perform in my last high school marching band season, get a job, march in the Outback Bowl(as a member of the Southwest Iowa Honor Marching Band), perform in my final group speech contest, pull pieces of music for solo/ensemble, and begin to plan for college. 

(Throwback to marching band!)

(The very concentrated face of a band geek, yes?)

I must confess that my plans for the future still remain a scramble. I don't know what Heavenly Father has planned for me yet so I've made some basic plans. I've been accepted to Northwest Missouri State University for the upcoming fall. Unless plans change, I will be attending school there and moving in with my father who lives in the college's town. A mission is still debatable. I really want to go on one. I just don't want to say that I am going on one just in case that's not the Lord's plan for me. Hopefully things will become clear soon because the clock is ticking! 

I believe that these final months are going to fly by fastest of all. I've barely had a moment to catch my breath amongst all that is transpiring. I look forward to graduation and all the changes that happen, but I want time to slow down so that I can savor everything. I remember just sitting on the couch when I was five and posing for the camera in my Snow White Halloween costume. Now I'm posing for Senior pictures. Eek!

(I.E. A Senior picture with my baby, a tenor saxophone)

We'll see where I end up as time progresses. I'm excited to see what God has in store me. :)

Two Thousand and Fifteen.

It's one thing to say that you'll change. It another to actively engage in change. And who am I to say that I've stuck to all of my endeavors for improvement? I claim not to be perfect, but to be human. I make no set in stone resolutions for this year, but a vow to myself that will, inevitably be broken. I promise to grow, to learn, to make mistakes, and to trust. My general being should improve so that I may enlighten those whom I am near. I refuse to say that I will 'lose 10 pounds' or 'never say anything bad about another person'. What kind of resolutions are these? The most defining moments in life are not those in which we succeed, but in the moments of mistakes, failure, and in opportunities to grow. I hope that this year will try me and drive me to my knees because by the end I can arise a stronger person.